Logically develop your issue statement and pave your arguments to arrive at your proposal of a solution.

goingconern(GoingConcern)

本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Original essay:

Animal Abuse is a big problem in our society today. Unfortunately, not much people care about it. But I do. Neglect and abandonment is the most common form of animal cruelty. And who causes this? HUMANS. Studies have shown that 64.5% of animal abuse involves dogs, 18% of it involves cat abuse, and 25% involves other animals. Animals are slaughtered just because people don't have any use for them. Is that right? Apparently, it is to some people. More than 15 million warm-blooded animals are used for research every year! And in the United States alone, 1.13 million animals are used in testing and research. I mean, sure, research is very important, and without it, life might not be life as it is today, but millions? Hopefully, in the future, scientists will find a way to do testing without taking away an animals life. Furthermore, I'm assuming that everyone has been to at least one store in there life that sells fox and mink coats, but what you don't know is that it takes 18 foxes just to make one fox coat, and 55 minks to make one mink coat.

Comments:

There are a few major statement here.

1. Animal abuse is a big problem, but not many people have paid enough attention.
2. Human beings abuse animals the most, especially dogs and cats.
3. There are reasons why human beings abuse the animals.
4. We need to minimize taking the lives of animals in research labs.
5. A fur coats cost many lives of animals.

Logically, we can rearrange and expand above points as follows.

ISSUE STATEMENT

1. Animal abuse is a big problem; there are reasons why human beings abuse the animals. --> why it is a big problem? What are the specific reasons human beings abuse animals? what are the impacts on the society and humanity? (For example, one fur coat costs many animals' lives)

Note: Human beings abuse animals the most, especially dogs and cats. --> This statement goes without saying, so it is an irrelvant point. We can delete this point.

FURTHER COMPLICATIONS OF THE ISSUE AND ITS IMPACT

2. Not many people have paid enough attention.--> So what? Need to develop the argument here and pave for presenting a solution, i.e. what exactly can we do better?

PROPOSE YOUR SOLUTION AND EXPLAIN WHY IT CAN WORK

3. We need to minimize taking the lives of animals in research labs. --> Is this idea feasible? Argue positively and negatively. Give an example. Weigh the options, link back to the issue statement in point #1.

LAST STEP: AVERGAGE WRITER WRITE, GOOD WRITERS EDIT.

A. Check your logical development again. Does the proposal of minimizing taking animal lives in research lab answer your issue statement of animal abuse being a big problem in human society and not enough attentioin has been paid? It may partly do. However, the bigger picture is in what way can we increase people's awareness and behaviour of not hurting the animals. The idea of minimizing taking animal lives in research lab can be one example of one thing we can do to lessens the impact from animal abuse.

Which argument sound weak and need for stats or information to expand?

Are there any repeated arguments, irrelevant argement? If so, delete.

Have you made your conclusion, clearly and strongly? Never forget to conclude.

b. Have zero grammar, spelling, and punctuation mark mistakes! For instance, we don't say "not much people", we say, "not many people". In English, one setence for one idea. When the idea is complete, use a period, not a comma, like how we do in Chinese.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

(#7951828@0)
Last Updated: 2012-12-13

Good point! thanks! -mikesmith(老猫); 2012-12-13 {275} (#7951863@0)

btw, what I posted yesterday was the 2nd paragraph from her homework...there were a lot more.....i was not surprised by her writing..all pre-teens write things like that....I was nicely surprised by her left-wing thinking..but guess that was natural for a girl at her age....

请教一下，第二个major statement 的 animal 之前你没用定冠词，接下来第三句中的animal之前你用了the , 有什么讲究吗？另外，第五句里，A fur coats cost....笔误吧？A fur coat costs ..应当是你的原意吧？不是故意挑剔，只因你提到了zero spelling , grammar mistake -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2012-12-13 (#7952121@0)

Good question. The "animal" in the 2nd statement is a general reference and is in a plural form, thus I did not use an article beofre it. The following "animals" specifically refer to the "cats and dogs" that are abused, as afore-mentioned. -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2012-12-13 {121} (#7952148@0)
Yes, a fur coat costs, not a fur coats cost. It is my typo. Could not revise once I had a reply. Tks for pointing it out.

同意。如果第三句紧跟第二句，我就不会提出这个疑问了。你解释得很清楚。 -winterstorm(打酱油的); 2012-12-13 (#7952383@0)

Thanks. You could have avoided the typos easily. Good Writers edit :-) -thornthorn($oOHoly MolyOo$); 2012-12-13 (#7952150@0)

Point well taken :-). -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2012-12-13 (#7952153@0)

当我看到“pave”这个词，我觉得怎样有逻辑地推出结论是那样地形象。写的太好了。有时这种就一篇文章具体讲怎样改，对我有很实际的帮助，而且也说明了Edit的重要性。我渐渐地明白，就像功夫在诗外，写作真的是远远地高于文字的运用。收藏了，以后还会再看。多谢。 -nuanxin(nuanxin); 2012-12-13 (#7953028@0)

I normally don’t critique people’s casual writings, but I think this writing is quite serious and given your English level, it appears that you’ve written it in haste. Good points, just some minor inconsistencies. -nothanks(ciel); 2012-12-14 {1505} (#7953562@0)

本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛There are a few major statement here ==> statements

A fur coats cost many lives of animals ==> Fur coats

Animal abuse is a big problem; there are reasons why human beings abuse the animals. ==> Not an error, but it is better to put a “the” before “reasons”

FURTHER COMPLICATIONS OF THE ISSUE AND ITS IMPACT ==> if “it” refers to “complications”, then you should use “their impacts”; if “it” refers to “the issue”, then the whole sentence should be truncated into “further complications and impacts of the issue”.

Argue positively and negatively. Give an example. Weigh the options, link back to the issue statement in point #1. ==> Not an error, but nicer this way. “Argue positively and negatively, give an example, weigh the options and link back to the issue statement in point#1”

LAST STEP: AVERGAGE WRITER WRITE, GOOD WRITERS EDIT ==> average writers

However, the bigger picture is in what way can we increase people's awareness and behaviour of not hurting the animals. ==> in what way we can increase people’s awareness and encourage their behaviours of not hurting the animals.

The idea of minimizing taking animal lives in research lab can be one example of one thing we can do to lessens the impact from animal abuse. ==> 1. “one example of many things” 2. lessen

Which argument sound weak and need for stats or information to expand? ==> sounds weak and needs

Are there any repeated arguments, irrelevant argement? ==> typo, arguments更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

Thanks for correcting:-). All makes sense except that "the" is not necessary before "reasons". -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2012-12-14 (#7953586@0)

I normally don't critique people's critiques, but -wincity(红卫兵); 2012-12-14 {265} (#7953595@0)
A fur coats cost many lives of animals -> probably means "a fur coat", not "coats", "many animal lives" sounds more natural

Animal abuse is a big problem; there are reasons why human beings abuse the animals. -> "the animals", "the" sounds very strange

Nah. -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2012-12-14 (#7953988@0)

on 2nd thought -wincity(红卫兵); 2012-12-14 {85} (#7954034@0)
human beings abusing THE animals: THE is really wrong here, not just sounding strange

今天晚上一定让孩子看看这贴。有这么多叔叔阿姨帮她改作文，她看到一定会很高兴的。 -mikesmith(老猫); 2012-12-14 (#7954152@0)

你家丫头肯定不会像伪权威那样老虎屁股摸不得。 -thornthorn($oOHoly MolyOo$); 2012-12-14 (#7954156@0)

忽略语法，只谈逻辑。这个很重要。动物虐待得话题如果谈深刻点，要涉及到《论自由》和一些宗教的理念。论自由一书中明确表达过，少数民族，动物，虽然没有发言权和辩护权，但是他们一样有天赋的基本权利。 -linuxsun(ssss); 2012-12-14 {728} (#7954143@0)

动物皮毛是应该禁止，亚里士多德有过表述：“杀动物吃肉是可以的，但是从杀动物中获得快感是邪恶的”

关于用动物做实验，这个至少讨论过几千次了，类似禁止枪械的话题。在目前人类发展的阶段，在这方面还没有完美的解决方案。

讨论了几千次都没有合理的解释，只能是“在适当的范围内，用动物做实验是合理合法的”

类似共产主义话题，共产主义无疑是最完美的社会结构和政治结构，但是，人类目前发展的水平还远远不到这个阶段。所以，目前看，只能是“宗教伦理下的资本主义和三权分立机制最符合人性和人类的发展”。

学习英文，最重要的就是学习西方的逻辑和思维方式，语法和修辞，只要没有明显的大错就可以了。

看到下面有个哥们在谈论冠词，复数，太过于细节了。文章就是个工具，能表达清楚含义就可以了。

总统布什的演讲里，语法错误更多。呵呵

Awesome perspective and great knowledge. I learned! Thanks! -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2012-12-14 (#7954261@0)

LOL, and I start to going concern about what is going on here -dv2011(小肥羊); 2012-12-14 (#7954363@0)

That has made his day and possibly year of the snake 2013. -thornthorn($oOHoly MolyOo$); 2012-12-14 (#7954372@0)

For a hunger of love like professor z, lol, everything counts -dv2011(小肥羊); 2012-12-14 (#7954452@0)

你这些话会让很多人汗颜的啊。。。很多人出了国，脑袋还停留在石器时代。 -redjunk(rolia); 2012-12-16 (#7957516@0)

外语论坛这片净土正逐渐被蚕食. -thornthorn($oOHoly MolyOo$); 2012-12-16 (#7957657@0)

好兄弟，啥也不说了，眼泪哗哗滴 -redjunk(rolia); 2012-12-16 {10} (#7957671@0)
理解万岁吧

We all make grammatical errors and we all have accents, but those are something we have to live with, something we are trying to get rid of, not something we should feel proud of. -nothanks(ciel); 2012-12-17 {697} (#7957758@0)
You claim to have read many books, yet you set such a low bar on learning. That grammar and spelling are not important is just your convenient and wishful thinking.

Name me one book that is riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. Let me tell you something. Spelling and grammatical errors are very distracting. You don’t want people to stumble on those things while trying to get your message, do you? I certainly don’t have much patience in reading whatever you are trying to preach if it is full of grammatical and spelling errors. Unfortunately, English learning is not a democratic process. There are dictionaries to consult, rules to follow and exemplary masterpieces to refer to.

BRAVO -thornthorn($oOHoly MolyOo$); 2012-12-17 (#7957805@0)
I agree with you that grammatical correctness is fundamental. However, I feel understanding a different perspective is also more important than jumping to your own interpretation. The bigger picture here is logical thinking in writing and -goingconern(GoingConcern); 2012-12-17 {97} (#7958133@0)
I do think there is an element of truth in this perspective, should we all be open-minded enough.

@Atlanta

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Logically develop your issue statement and pave your arguments to arrive at your proposal of a solution.

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